


Who Will Fix Me When I Shatter?

by disgruntled_daisy_111



Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Canon Compliant, Dongmin is mean for a minute, Fainting, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Minor Injuries, Panic Attacks, Protective Astro, Relationships are basically platonic, Sanha blames himself, Supportive Astro, Why WHY aren't there more Astro fics, Yoon Sanha-centric, it's really minor though, maknae, really it's just Sanha being insecure, slight hint of suicidal thoughts for like one second, unintentional bullying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:33:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25130203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disgruntled_daisy_111/pseuds/disgruntled_daisy_111
Summary: Sanha looks up to all of Astro, and the more he admires them (especially Dongmin) the less he seems to measure up. To top it off, he accidentally breaks Dongmin's phone and desperately tries to hide the fact, trying to fix things on his own in order to avoid disappointing him.Meanwhile, Astro thinks he's just up to his usual tricks.He isn't.
Relationships: Lee Dongmin | Cha Eunwoo/Yoon Sanha, OT6 - Relationship, astro ot6
Comments: 3
Kudos: 184





	Who Will Fix Me When I Shatter?

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in a really angsty mood inspired by Eunwoo's perfection but savage side and Sanha being a mischievous baby who's grown up more than we think. 
> 
> Anyway, please enjoy!

Sanha thought Eunwoo was beautiful. On stage, on set, on camera—beautiful, with a charming yet shy smile, attentive eyes that followed everything, a sweet voice when he sang, precise movements when he danced, and only rare, rare glimpses of Dongmin, his hyung that he knew from the dorms and backstage, from inside cars and planes, from anywhere cameras and fans were not. 

Dongmin was beautiful, too. Eunwoo was a concept, an effortlessly beautiful human. But Dongmin knew it. Eunwoo always seemed surprised by compliments, shy of them. He acted like he had no idea he was gorgeous, when that simply wasn’t true. Because those were moments when he was styled and often scripted, so he was allowed to hide confidently behind a mask, behind Eunwoo.

Dongmin truly was effortless. He thought he looked good without makeup but quickly forgot about it. No cameras, no screaming fans—it was easy to forget his own face. Sanha loved those moments. Dongmin showed a huge range of expressions, didn’t concern himself with showing his best angle, didn’t care. He had no energy for that—he saved that for when it was needed for the cameras. Yet, he was beautiful. 

Sanha watched Dongmin, who was playing a game on his phone with his brow creased, worrying at his lower lip with his teeth. Sanha could see the moment he failed whatever challenge the screen had put him too, has jaw opening in shock and offense, his whole body jerking as he let out a tiny curse. 

Sanha was shocked. Dongmin cursed so rarely, even off camera. He had to see what was happening. He skipped over, putting his chin on Dongmin’s shoulder. 

“What happened?”

Dongmin seemed distracted. “I lost this level, now I have to use the coins I was saving for that special.” He pouted, cute, but unintentionally so. Sanha’s heart gave a little “thump thump.” 

“Ha! Sucks to be you,” Sanha teased. 

Dongmin glared. “Why are you rubbing it in?”

“Because it’s funny!” It really was, and maybe if Dongmin thought so too he would stop being upset.

“You’re such a pain!” Dongmin growled. “Go away!”

That hurt, even though Sanha had practically been asking for it. “Like your money for the special?” Sanha said, unable to help himself. 

Dongmin stood up, and Sanha danced away in case he tried to hit him. Dongmin flung his arm out to point his way out of the room, and accidentally threw his phone. Sanha knew it was an accident from the way his eyes widened slightly, but didn’t have time to see more before the phone hit him in the shoulder. It didn’t hurt terribly, but it hurt, and Sanha yowled in complaint. 

He bent down to snatch the phone, only to feel a sharp sting in his fingers at the very instant he realized Dongmin’s phone screen had shattered upon hitting the floor. Sanha quickly flicked a few pieces of glass under a nearby chair, prancing away with Dongmin’s phone. “Serves you right for throwing it!” But he kept the ruined screen hidden. As if Dongmin needed his day to get any worse! Sanha was easy to blame, constantly annoying like this. 

He hid the phone quickly and dashed to the bathroom while Dongmin yelled at him to stop being a stupid brat and bring his phone back. 

You really are a stupid brat, Sanha thought as he ran his fingers under the sink to wash away the blood, so he could see the glass shards to pick out. If you hadn’t annoyed him like that, Dongmin’s phone wouldn’t be broken. 

I deserve this, he thought as tears tracked down his teeth and he bit his lip to keep from crying out at the pain. 

xxxxx

He wrapped up his hands in gauze and thought about how to hide it. He ended up wearing one of his biggest sweaters with fantastic comfy sweater-paws, which made him feel a little better. He recognized that he’d been a little silly, filled with panic and pain, now that things had calmed down a little. He went to the main room, ready to eat dinner. 

Dongmin glared at him as soon as he came in, and instantly Sanha shriveled up with guilt. If Dongmin knew Sanha had broken his phone, he would be so mad! It was much better to have him annoyed at Sanha for taking it and running off. That was just a prank, then. 

When Sanha sat down at the table, Dongmin scooted away obviously. Jinwoo frowned. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Dongmin hyung’s just mad at me,” Sanha muttered.

“I know. I was talking to you,” Jinwoo said, stern. “Dongmin told me what happened. Don’t you think you’re going a little too far?”

Sanha looked down, curling his fingers inside the sweater. “Sorry.”

“If you’re sorry, bring Dongmin back his phone and apologize,” Jinwoo said.

Sanha licked his lips. “I can’t find it.”

Dongmin’s head whipped up, and everyone was staring at him.

“You WHAT?” Dongmin demanded.

“You can’t just lose a phone,” Moonbin said. “Come on, Sanha, he’ll be less mad if you own up.”

“No, really,” Sanha said, his only thought to keep Dongmin from finding out about the shattered screen of his brand-new phone. “I wanted to hide it as part of the prank and now I can’t remember where I put…it…” He trailed off under the disbelieved looks. 

Dongmin’s eyes burned into him. “See, Sanha, this is why people THINK before acting sometimes!” he hissed. 

That hurt, but Sanha had been thoughtless and stupid and a pain and a brat and Dongmin had every right to be mad. Even in this situation, Sanha couldn’t help but think that Dongmin was beautiful when he was angry, too.

“Sorry, hyung,” he mumbled. “You—you can use my phone until I find yours.” 

He timidly held it out, cupped in his sweater-sleeve-covered hands. 

Dongmin gave it a look of disgust, but snatched it. Pain lanced through Sanha’s fingers and up his arm, but he just ducked his head. “Sorry,” he whispered. 

“If you’re sorry,” Dongmin said coldly. “Think about the way you need to behave if you want friends.”

That hurt more than the cuts.

xxxxx

Dongmin knew Sanha’s password. Since this was practically his phone for now, he deleted some of Sanha’s apps—the ones he knew were safe to delete, that required accounts and saved information in the cloud—and added his own. It was sort of refreshing to play the easy levels of the game he’d been stuck on earlier. 

He was still mad at Sanha, and didn’t for a second believe the kid had actually “lost” the phone. Maybe he’d given it to a manager or broken it and was just covering. He rolled his eyes. Sanha seriously needed to grow up. He worked hard, or he never would have made it here, and he could be really sweet and cute at times, but he just couldn’t take things seriously. He acted like an eight-year-old! Maybe because the group spoiled him, he just hadn’t made those steps into maturity to sort out what was going too far. 

He wasn’t a baby anymore, and if he wanted to maintain good relationships with people, he needed to step up and act his age. 

Dongmin really was saying it for Sanha’s own good. Of course, he still loved the kid, even when he was furious with him, but other people, newer acquaintances, potential romantic partners, or business partners, wouldn’t be that patient. Sanha needed to learn that not everyone was going to treat him with the leniency that Astro did. 

But…it had come out harshly, because Dongmin was mad. He’d give Sanha a little while to think about it, then metaphorically kiss him better, explaining that it was okay. 

xxxxxx

Sanha borrowed Minhyuk’s phone to make a call to his favorite manager, begging. Dongmin broke his phone, he’s really sad, I want to surprise him by getting it fixed right away. 

The manager gave in, and Sanha managed to sneak out of the dorm to give the shattered thing to him. He sat up, awake, waiting. Since he didn’t have his own phone with him, he’d told the manager to leave the phone outside the door as soon as it was repaired. He constantly snuck out to check. Nothing, every time, and eventually Sanha fell asleep in the entryway.

xxxxxx

Moonbin moved a chair so they had room for the game they were playing that afternoon. He let out a yell, hopping on one foot. 

Instantly, he was surrounded by Jinwoo, Dongmin, Myungjun, and Minhyuk, asking him what was the matter, was he okay. Sanha stood up, looking pale. 

Moonbin peered at his foot to see a few pieces of glass stuck into his sole, blood oozing out. 

Myungjun gasped, instantly picking up his own feet to check. “Oh my gosh! Where did that come from?”

“I—I broke a glass the other day and guess I didn’t clean it up well enough,” Sanha stammered. “I’m really sorry, Moonbin-hyung.” 

Moonbin rolled his eyes, teeth gritted. “Be careful, then! You might have warned us! Clumsy little guy,” he said through a forced chuckle. 

Sanha bowed his head, sitting hesitantly back down. “Right.”

Dongmin tsked at him. “What did I tell you?” 

xxxxxx

Sanha felt awful. Not only had he broken Dongmin’s phone, but now Moonbin had injured his foot! He’d probably have to take a few days off from practice at the least, and even if he jumped back in it would cause him pain for weeks! His hand was nothing compared to that. He didn’t really need it just for practice. 

He couldn’t play guitar, but he didn’t NEED to do that. Moonbin needed his feet. Would they tell the managers, talk about how Sanha’s clumsiness and immaturity were a risk for the group? Would they put him on hiatus, take him out?

It would be what he deserved. It was true. 

He checked at the front door again. Nothing. He wanted to borrow a phone again but after Moonbin…would they trust him?

He sidled up to Myungjun. “Hyung, can I borrow your phone?”

“Not right now,” Myungjun said, frowning down at whatever he was doing.

“Right. Sorry,” Sanha said, backing away. 

He tried Jinwoo, gathering his courage. Maybe if he got the phone fixed, they wouldn’t complain to the company. 

“Hyung, can I maybe…borrow your phone?”

Jinwoo looked up. “Should of thought of that before losing Dongmin’s,” he said dryly.

Oh, right. “Sorry,” Sanha mumbled, escaping, not noticing that Jinwoo had been reaching to pull his phone out of his pocket. 

He could only think about that fact that they were all RIGHT. Everything was his fault, and if he couldn’t do better than this, he really didn’t deserve to be here.

Fix Dongmin’s phone. He snuck over to Minhyuk. “Can I…if it’s okay…use your phone for just a second? I promise to give it right back.”

Minhyuk blinked at him, but reluctantly handed it over. Sanha bowed without realizing, thanking him and making his escape so the conversation wouldn’t be overheard. 

He called the manager.

“It’s already done; I just haven’t had time to pick it up. I’ll drop it off tonight.”

“Just leave it outside the door,” Sanha reminded him urgently. “It’s a surprise. Don’t knock.”

“Got it, got it,” the manager said. “I’m busy but I’m doing this for—” For you, Sanha hoped he’d say – “For Dongmin.”

Right. 

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” Sanha breathed. 

“I’ll drop it off no later than eight pm,” the manager said, and hung up. 

Sanha raced back inside to return the phone as promised. Minhyuk was talking to Dongmin, who raised an eyebrow when Sanha bowed to return Minhyuk’s phone. 

“Wow, you actually let him have your phone, voluntarily?”

“He asked,” Minhyuk said, waving it off.

“Oh really? I didn’t know Sanha knew how to do that!” Dongmin was grinning, but Sanha felt only hatred and hostility radiating from him.

He couldn’t stop tears from pricking his eyes, so he simply whispered an apology and escaped the room.

He just hoped they’d forgive him a little when Dongmin’s phone was okay.

xxxxx

“Does Sanha seem weird to you?” Jinwoo asked everyone. 

They sat at dinner but Sanha had wanted to take a bath, so he would eat later.

“Weird how?” Dongmin asked.

“You haven’t noticed?” Minhyuk asked.

“Noticed what?” Myungjun spoke with his cheeks full of food.

“Ever since he lost Dongmin’s phone he’s been really…quiet, and apologetic,” Jinwoo said, waving his hands vaguely.

“I was kind of hard on him,” Dongmin said. “But I think he’s just acting a little careful as a consequence. He’s been so spoiled for so long that he doesn’t know what to do when we don’t just let everything dumb that he does go.” 

Jinwoo nodded, but looked doubtful. “Yeah, but… Like when Moonbin stepped on glass. Wouldn’t Sanha normally have made a bunch of excuses and made sure Moonbin was okay?”

“I think he acted very mature,” Myungjun said. “I would know.” They chuckled. “Anyway, he owned up and apologized. What’s wrong with that?”

“He didn’t act mature,” Minhyuk said. “He acted scared.”

“What are you talking about?” Moonbin asked.

“Earlier he asked to use my phone. He bowed to me! And he wasn’t kissing up, either. He seemed so worried that I’d…yell at him or something.”

“He did bow,” Dongmin recalled. “That was so weird.”

“Exactly!” Jinwoo said. “Do you think he’s okay? Did we go too far, this time?”

“This is exactly why he still acts like a little kid,” Dongmin sighed. “We go all soft and just forget all the problems. He needs to learn sometime, hyung.”

Jinwoo nodded, but looked troubled.

Sanha walked past, hair still wet, and didn’t even look at them at the table. He opened the door and went outside, probably for fresh air or to take a selfie or something. 

Wait, he didn’t have a phone. 

A minute later, he ran back inside. 

“Dongmin-hyung, Dongmin-hyung! I found your phone!” He was beaming.

Dongmin stood up, jaw dropping as Sanha held out the phone. It looked perfectly fine, and when Dongmin turned it on, it was his wallpaper. 

“You little punk! You were pranking me, weren’t you!” Dongmin accused, delighted to have his phone back but surprised that Sanha had been this devious.

“No I wasn’t!” Sanha protested. “I really just found it.”

“Seriously? And here we thought you were starting to learn to own up to your mistakes,” Dongmin snorted. 

Sanha looked down. 

“Don’t play innocent!” Dongmin told him, busy looking through his phone to make sure everything was in order, checking that Sanha hadn’t taken a bunch of selfies or unflattering candids of Dongmin. “And don’t lie, either. You’re acting like a little kid. Sometimes I can’t believe you debuted.”

Sanha crumbled. 

Just kind of…slowly folded to the ground.

At first, Dongmin thought he was acting dramatic in response to the scolding, but then he noticed how pale, exactly, the maknae had gotten. He dropped his phone and crouched down, shaking his shoulder.

“Sanha?”

The younger boy coughed a few times, rolled over, and wobbled to his feet. “You’re so mean to me,” he complained, and ran to his room.

The little prankster! Dongmin had actually gotten worried for a minute. Since when was Sanha such a good actor?

Jinwoo raced by him, going to knock on Sanha’s door. When he got no response, he pounded harder. Eventually he threw aside their privacy rules and opened the door. Sanha hadn’t even locked it, like he usually did if he was sulking.

“Sanha??” Jinwoo shrieked, and then everyone ran over.

The maknae was sprawled on the floor, long limbs askew, face waxy. 

xxxxxx

A call to the manager, a visit to the hospital, and they were told Sanha hadn’t eaten or slept in the past day and simply fainted. 

They felt suitably guilty, even though they were convinced Sanha had been doing it to punish them somehow, to prove they were too mean to him. 

But he was fine, and that was what really mattered. 

“The doctors say to keep an eye on him a little more, just in case he tries to make that a habit,” the manager explained. “And they said come to the hospital next time.” 

“Got it,” Jinwoo said, bowing. 

Sanha came home, lips pressed tight together, not speaking.

Still sulking, they supposed.

xxxxxx

Sanha couldn’t believe everyone had had to go to the hospital just because of his stupidity. He hadn’t felt like eating, and he hadn’t been able to sleep, but how could he collapse in front of them? Just to convince them that he definitely couldn’t stay in the group? 

He counted things off in his head. 

He was annoying, he was disrespectful, he was immature, he acted like a little kid, he couldn’t keep friends, he had broken Dongmin’s phone, he’d made Moonbin step on glass, he wasn’t trustworthy, he was inconvenient, he was a pain to deal with, he was a little brat, he was clumsy and a risk, he was forgetful, and he was a weakling who had thrown off everyone’s schedules. That wasn’t an idol. If the fans knew, they’d riot in the streets to get Sanha away from the really important members of Astro. 

“Sanha, come eat dinner,” Jinwoo called. 

He came out reluctantly. He didn’t want to add, disobedient, to the list. Though he had been, many times before. 

“Coming,” he answered, emerging, hands balled up in the overlarge sleeves of a hoodie to hide the bandages. 

Myungjun was finishing off the meal. 

“Did you wash your hands?” Dongmin asked.

Sanha nodded instantly.

“No way,” Jinwoo said. “You didn’t even know we were eating! Go wash them now.”

“I already did,” Sanha said. He actually had, while changing the band aids the doctors had given him. It had stung.

“Stop lying,” Myungjun complained. “It’s not that bad.” He towed him over to the sink, turned on the water, and picked up the soap, ready to squirt it into Sanha’s hands.

Sanha jammed them in his pockets. 

Jinwoo came over. “What’s the matter, Sanha?”

“Nothing. I just already washed my hands.”

“Just do it for hyung,” Jinwoo said, patting his shoulder. 

Sanha’s blood pounded in his ears. How would he explain the band aids? The cup. The cup he said he’d shattered. 

He reluctantly pulled his hands out and Jinwoo and Myungjun gasped.

“Sanha, baby, what happened?”

His pale hands had two band aids on the right and seven on the left, and blood had stained through most of them. 

“I’m sorry,” Sanha said. “When I broke the cup…”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Jinwoo demanded. “This is really bad!”

“I know…I’m sorry,” Sanha whispered, ashamed. How dare he get hurt, when that hurt the team, too?

“That’s not what I meant!” 

By this time, the others had come over as well. 

“I mean, you hurt yourself so badly. Why would you keep that secret?”

Sanha shrugged. 

Myungjun went over to the cupboard. He stood there, facing the dishes, and then turned around. “We aren’t missing any glasses.”

Sanha went pale.

Jinwoo stared at Myungjun. “What?”

“We aren’t missing any glasses. Sanha couldn’t have broken one.”

“It…it wasn’t one of ours!” Sanha began, then stopped, realizing there was no way out. 

“Sanha, what’s really happening?” Jinwoo asked.

He felt tears begin to roll down his cheeks, and saw the others’ shocked expressions. 

“I’m so sorry!” Sanha wailed. “I…Dongmin-hyung, I broke your phone but I knew you’d be so mad so I pretended I lost it while I got the manager to fix it. I’m really sorry, it was my fault, and I left glass on the floor and Moonbin-hyung got hurt… I’m sorry…”

A chorus of “what?”s assaulted his ears, and Sanha flinched. They were mad. 

“And the cuts?” Jinwoo asked.

“When I picked it up…”

Dongmin was staring at him. “Sanha, you didn’t break my phone.”

“Yes I did!” Sanha protested. 

“No, I accidentally threw it at you.” Dongmin looked horrified. “It broke when it fell. So when you picked it up and ran away, you’d cut yourself?” 

“It was my fault,” Sanha admitted, bowing his head in shame. 

“Sanha, I’m not blaming you!” Dongmin said. “If that’s what happened… Sanha why didn’t you say anything?”

“You would be mad,” Sanha confessed, tears still falling. “I was just trying not to make you mad, because I’m…. I’m always annoying you so it was my fault the phone broke. I really am stupid…”

“Sanha!” Jinwoo hyung stood squarely in front of him, looking up into his eyes. “Sanha, where did all this come from?”

They were honestly shocked. Their mischievous, sweet, childlike, but talented and growing-up “evil” maknae…crying and calling himself horrible names and blaming himself for the cuts across his hands, apologizing for them! 

“I’m stupid,” Sanha gasped out between shoulder-shaking sobs, “But I’m not oblivious. I know I hurt hyungs, I know hyungs are mad…at me all the time, I know. I am…selfish…’cuz I wanted…to make…excuses so you wouldn’t…tell the company that I…don’t belong here…”

“Sanha,” Moonbin whispered. 

“I’m trying!” Sanha sobbed. “I’m bad at it, I’m clumsy and I keep doing bad things…but I don’t….wanna leave. I want to stay…with hyungs… I’m sorry…”

Dongmin hugged him, tightly, and the others joined until Sanha was packed in the middle of their group, warm and secure.

“We want you here, too,” Myungjun said firmly, sounding emotional himself. “Sanha, we love you. You’re our baby and we’re just clueless trying to do our best to help you. I’m so sorry…”

“Myungjun is right,” Minhyuk spoke up. “We love you. We all get annoyed at each other sometimes, and I guess we didn’t notice how often we say things to you… It just never seemed like you cared. Remember when Dongmin cried for two days because we said—”

“Let’s not,” Moonbin muttered.

“Anyway, that’s why we’re careful now. We didn’t know you were so hurt, Ddana.” 

“But you’re right!” Sanha said savagely. “Don’t sugarcoat it. I know it’s true.”

“Sanha, I think this is my fault,” Dongmin said softly. “I try to teach you, but I was also just yelling at you because I was mad. I was mad about losing the game, and at other times I was mad about work or fans, and I took it out on you, because you’d always pick fights and I had an excuse to scold you. But I don’t actually believe that you’re stupid or clumsy. I’ve seen you dance and play guitar, I know you did well in school, I’ve seen how hard you work. I’m sorry I never mention that… I made you think…” Dongmin couldn’t continue. 

Sanha felt horrible. He’d actually been too stupid to hide what had happened and now everyone was upset, now Dongmin was mad at himself…

“It’s not your fault! Why are you blaming yourselves for the things I do wrong?” he said, hot tears spilling down his cheeks, furious. 

“Sanha, baby,” Moonbin said. “We all make mistakes. We’re not blaming ourselves for that—we’re blaming ourselves for losing our tempers, for being cruel and insensitive towards you. That IS our fault.” 

How could it be? Anyone would be mad, who had to deal with the wreck that made up Yoon Sanha. 

“No, no, sweetheart,” Myungjun said, and Sanha realized he’d said some of that out loud. “We love you.”

“Why?” Sanha challenged.

He heard a collective gasp. 

“Sanha?” Minhyuk sounded truly shocked. “What are you talking about?”

“I mean, why?” Sanha shouted, elbowing his way out of their collective embrace, even though he longed to be there. He just…didn’t deserve that. “Why would you ever say you love me? I know you’re lying.”

These were his deepest fears, coming to the surface in his frenzy of emotion. It was just something they said for routine, for the fans, or to calm him down. How could they actually love him? He was rude and annoying and a total brat to them. Why would they want to be around him? No matter how much he wanted to be with them…

“Sanha!” Jinwoo sounded a little angry. “Don’t you dare say that. We do love you.”

The others nodded along. 

“And if I believe that right now?” Sanha argued. “Then I’m just supposed to calm down and then this won’t be annoying you, right? You just say that so I’m less of a pain!”

He desperately wanted to be wrong, but as he said the words they sounded so right. 

“Sanha!” Moonbin said. “Don’t talk like that. Please? If we really didn’t care, would we still be here?”

“You don’t have to be! I get it,” Sanha spat. He felt like shattering into a million pieces and anger was the glue holding him together. “Just go away.”

“You haven’t had a temper tantrum like this in years, Sanha,” Jinwoo said in a calm voice. “Can you tell us what’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong!” Sanha yelled. “Just go AWAY!” 

Myungjun moved towards him, reaching for a hug, but Sanha slapped him away, as hard as he could.

“OW!” Myungjun yelped, then stumbled back in shock. “Sanha, what…?” 

Sanha wanted to fall at his feet and beg for forgiveness, but he wasn’t good enough for that, so he just stood there, glaring.

Jinwoo’s brows lowered in anger. “I think Sanha needs a little time to himself to think about what’s happening. We’ll deal with this later.” He took Myungjun’s hand gently, leading him to his room. 

Minhyuk hesitated, then followed, tugging on Moonbin’s arm. “I think Jinjin hyung is right. Sanha needs a minute.”

Moonbin sent Sanha a sympathetic glance, then followed Minhyuk away. 

Dongmin remained, standing stiffly by the counter. 

“Go away,” Sanha muttered. 

His head was spinning. Jinwoo had said they would deal with Sanha later. That was it. He would be out of the group for good. How was anyone supposed to handle such a mean, irritating, immature person? Sanha needed to go. It just made sense. 

He couldn’t think too badly of his hyungs. They tried to be nice, to put up with him, but they secretly thought it would be easier once he left. Many successful groups had five members. Minhyuk would make a great maknae. Dongmin and Moonbin would get more lines. Why would they possibly want him around?

But they were too nice to say that, to do that. Maybe if Sanha went far enough, made enough trouble, the company would do it for him, but that would hurt everybody, and it would take too long. 

It would be easier if Sanha just… died. 

He froze up at the thought, his composure slipping. He didn’t want to die. But…but if it made things easier for everyone, if they were better off without him….

“Sanha, I’m not going anywhere,” Dongmin said softly.

“Leave,” he growled.

“No. I don’t want to. Can’t we just eat dinner together like usual?”

“No.”

Dongmin stepped closer, pouting slightly, and Sanha’s heart went “thump thump” against his will. 

“Sanha, please?”

“I don’t want to.”

“Then can you tell me what’s on your mind? I want to understand.”

“It’s just…” Sanha struggled to voice his thoughts without sounding like a total brat. “I know I’m not good enough. I’m not like the hyungs. I’m not the best dancer, I can’t rap, I’m not the face of the group. I act cute but I know I’m too big and annoying for the fans to really think so, I try to sing but you and Moonbin sound better… You’re… you’re so pretty and I look like an ugly baby, I just…”

“Sanha…” Dongmin’s sorrowful voice brushed past his cheek as the older pulled him into a hug.

“Why are you doing this?” Sanha felt hot tears rise again. “Don’t you think it’s time you stop wasting time and effort on me? I’m… I’m nothing special. I’m not jealous, I just don’t see any value in me staying around.”

Dongmin squeezed him a little tighter. “When you say ‘around’ do you mean in Astro, or…?” He swallowed.

Sanha just shrugged. “Why does it matter? You’d be better off if I was gone.”

“No I wouldn’t,” Dongmin said firmly, pulling back and looking into his face with searching eyes. He was so beautiful, Sanha was nearly blinded.

Dongmin thumbed over his cheek, wiping his tears. “I think you’re pretty,” he whispered. “Pretty all over. You're not too big, you have great proportions. In fact, you’re too skinny. Eat what you like.” He stroked up and down his back soothingly. “You know what else is pretty? Your voice, and the way you dance. And recently, you’ve just been growing up so fast that we couldn’t keep up. You’re not the little boy wearing blush anymore. You’re a handsome young man.” He grinned at him. “You give Eunwoo a run for his money.”

Sanha snorted, although the words were so warm and wonderful that if he listened, and believed, he would light up like a Christmas tree, float up to the ceiling from happiness and pride. But it wasn’t true, right? 

Then why was Dongmin saying it?

“You’re growing up,” Dongmin repeated, still thumbing lightly over his cheek. “You’re changing, but in other ways you weren’t. You are still our mischievous maknae and we all thought we had to help teach you. But we didn’t realize you were starting to think so much! You didn’t need to be told off for any little thing, you needed to be praised for the things you do right—which you do so much of!”

Sanha just stared at him. “No, that’s not right…” he protested weakly.

“It is,” Dongmin said firmly. “You are so precious to us. We love you. In fact…” He hesitated, looking at him closer. “I’ve started to realize I don’t know what I would do without you. Please, Sanha, see that. You’re so special.”

Sanha’s heart was pounding, he was frozen. “I am?” he asked in disbelief. But Dongmin was perfect. “You’re perfect,” he whispered. “Why…”

Dongmin gave him a sad smile, leaning in to kiss his cheek, his nose. Sanha trembled beneath his touch, feeling love wash over him and not knowing what to do with it. He brought his hands up to Dongmin’s chest, gripping his shirt for comfort, reassurance, something to anchor him to reality. 

Dongmin continued to gently kiss away his tears, to quietly tell him that he was important, the ways he was valuable and beautiful, the times and precious memories Dongmin thought were irreplaceable. Gradually, his tears stopped, he calmed— and he started to believe.

**Author's Note:**

> Welp, I'm soft for Astro with their maknae. Sanha is my Astro bias, though most of them give him a run for his money at various times! Bless his heart, I'm sorry for making you suffer. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!  
> Comments/kudos appreciated.


End file.
